Baby on a bed.

How, oh how are you so beautiful?

Ugh.

I know I have talked about this before, but so much changes when you become a mom. Yes, the normal perhaps expected stuff like suddenly feeling quite ok with the fact that you have poop smeared on your sleeve or that you and Elmo might soon have a personal relationship if you read anymore books about him. But also in the way you view the world. We have had several tragedies lately that I am sure you will read about one day. The Tsunami in Japan has been really bad. There have been thousands of stories of loss and struggle but I remember the one that has tugged on me the most. It was a picture of a father outside a morgue where he learned his wife and two daughters had perished. I thought of your dad and walked around in a daze for most of the day.


Then these little things sneak up and hit you. Right now I am reading this crime mystery about a detective solving a series of murders. Usually this author skips any gory details but this time he decided to write in detail about the moment of one girls death (she is maybe 23 or so) and how she is being drowned and lifts her head above water one last time to shout Mama!


I set the book right down and felt this incredible weight coming down on me. The weight of protecting you and keep you safe. The fact that I might lose you someday in a store or at the park and that someone out there would want to hurt you. How can I protect you when you are 23 and living on your own? From bad boyfriends and strange men and weirdoes? I just can’t and the helplessness of that feeling is all encompassing.


I stayed up later than I wanted to because of that one word in that book. So because I am pregnant and irrational, I walked to the back door and threw the book as far as I could into the woods…. Don’t tell your dad that part he will think I am crazy.


I never want you to stop exploring and loving life, just please, for your mama’s sake. Be careful. You are far too loved to lose.

20 Weeks

A letter for the belly bean.

This weekend was pretty fun as your dad had the fire department dinner. The past couple of dinners have been held in a tiny room with a homemade buffet. It was.... interesting. This year, they reserved the conference room at a beautiful, local resort. We stayed the night at the resort which was a nice little treat.

We left your sister at home with your grandma. You were very active the whole time, a constant little tapping reminder of your existence. Everyone is very excited to meet you and I got a lot of belly rubs (wanted or not). After dinner, we went out for a cruise on the bay. It was a little boring for me since I cannot have any drinks so we (you and I) stayed on the sidelines with me pushing you back as you kicked at me. When we docked, we headed to the local bar and all talked until midnight. It is was nice to be in the company of adults (even if I was the only sober one). But I began to miss your sister, the same way I will miss you when I leave you.

The next morning, I headed out to take some photographs and this cat kept following me around. I would lean down to pet him and he would try to snuggle up to my belly. Your first animal fan I suppose. Check out his cool eyes.

I made your dad take a photo of me all gussied up, since it does not happen that often :)

Bullies

As a woman, one thing you will undoubtedly face will be a bully (or seven). This bully will most likely take the form of a nice looking girl, perhaps even a former friend, who has decided that she must take you down. This takedown will not be a knock out, drag out fight. It will not be a punch to the gut or a kick in the shins, that is what male bullies do. Frankly, I think a male bully would be a MUCH easier opponent than a female one! This female bully will start behind the scenes, spreading lies and turning others against you. She will most likely keep you close and you may not even recognize her as the enemy. Until the day you find out that she alone is responsible for the recent hurt you have been feeling. It is a full on mental assault and it may leave you feeling alone and breathless, confused as to how your social circle has turned upside down so quickly.


At least that is how I used to feel.


I have had my share of female bullies. The worst was a former best friend whose attacks became so vicious, my 6th grade body began to lose weight and became a shell of the child I was just months prior. My mom had to pull me completely out of that school. Away from that girl and all my other friends she had turned against me. It was devastating. Of course, that all started because the boy she liked, liked me.


As I have grown older and many of my friends have drifted away, I have not encountered a bully in a long time. Then I found message boards. I am not sure what type of social medium you will be using when you are my age (my secret hope is that our society will have drifted away from so much online interaction and back to in-person relationships) but I frequent a couple of message boards. On these boards, groups of people, usually women, can come to talk about common interests. In my case photography. I always saw bullying happening but luckily because I do not seem to make waves, I did not create any enemies and the bullies let me be. But then something changed and I became a target.


I actually know very little about my bully. For the first time, I am not sure what her issue is with me. As much anger in my heart as I have toward her right now, I am refusing to join her on her low level. I stood up for myself the best way I knew how and luckily had the support of many others on the board. But it still hurt, online or not. I think people forget that just because you are behind a screen does not mean comments don’t sting (or in my case make me cry, damn these pregnancy hormones!).


So the lesson for you here is no matter HOW you are communicating with people, whether it be your real life besties or a woman online, never fall into the mean girl trap. Never try to beat someone through bullying. If you are the victim, keep your chin up. Chances are, the attack is less about you than you think.


As your mom it will take every ounce of my being not to KILL the bullies of your future. But know this, I have been there and I will help you through it.


And a pretty of you because I need a smile :)

New Hairdo :)

Your hair is finally long enough to put up! So much fun to play with. Here are a few of you the other day:

Little Sister

So the baby in my belly is a little girl. At first, during the ultrasound, I was a little sad. Only because we are only going to have two kids and so I had a moment of mourning for the boy I will never have. But then I thought of the bond I have with my sister and how she is now having a baby and we will share motherhood in addition to all the things we share already.

I thought of shopping, pedicures, weddings and when you each (hopefully) have babies of your own and my heart swelled at the thought of it. Your dad works for 48 hours at a time and I know that managing two babies during that time will tricky. But those are the times I hope each of you come snuggle in my bed with me in the morning. My two babies. My two little girls. Swoon.

Well I have not yet written my first letter to the belly bean, I will hopefully at 20 weeks.

Here are some recent shots of you my love:

Me at 16 weeks with lil sis: