37 Weeks

Right now you are perfect. You have all your toes, all your fingers. Your brain is functioning and you are the average, perfect size for your gestational age. You will not be perfect forever though- since you are securely curled in my belly, I know little about your personality. No one is perfect so I am trying to enjoy you while you cannot cry, yell or swat at me (except if you count those rib kicks). As a woman, you are coming into a world where judgment begins immediately. Are you cute enough, dressed well enough, meeting your milestone, are you fat? As you grow, it will feel exhausting but the only thing you can really know is yourself. I will try to be a role model for you but I too am far from perfect. I thought I that I would start by listing my flaws, I am sure when you are older you will hold them against me but that is ok:

1. It is very difficult for me to forgive people. When I meet someone new, they are automatically on my good side unless they do something obviously offensive to me. These offenses can be small (being to talkative) or large (hurting my family). Once someone has crossed onto my bad side, it can take months for me to forgive them and until I get there, all I can do is glare at them with my overly expressive face. This does not do wonders for my reputation as many of the people on my bad list do not know they are there or why they are there and so my constant cold shoulder can feel discouraging.

2. I take pride on my ability to talk my way out of problems. I have always been an excellent communicator (hopefully you do not inherit this same trait or our arguments will last forever). Put me in front of a crowd of thousands and I can tell a funny story without feeling nervous. On a smaller scale, I can plow you over with my verbiage and before you know it, I have cleared my name and bamboozled you with words while probably making you wonder if YOU did something wrong.

3. I hate my cellulite. I will preach endless to you about loving your body but I do not have the best relationship with my own. I used to have cute, muscular legs until I started taking birth control and exercised less and the cellulite came- big lumpy lumps residing in my thighs. I stopped wearing short shorts and bathing suits became a non-option. Right now, with you living in my belly, I have experienced more unpleasant body changes. I have “worrisome” water retention in my sausage legs, new veins on my boobs and I have no idea what the stretched out state of my belly will be once you emerge. Your dad is usually helpful but will sometimes become nostalgic when we are looking back my 17 year old body, saying things like, “look at your legs!” or “your arms are so muscular!”. Blah, that is men for you.

4. I am lazy. I have a good job but one of my favorite things about it is that it does not take too much effort. I am able to come to work and then when I leave, I leave work here. There is never enough stress to bring home with me. I am lazy about my appearance. I wake up at 6:40 to arrive at work at 7am. Your dad makes fun of my fuzzy hair and I know he wishes I dressed up more but I just do not care to put the effort in. I am always looking for the easiest, cheapest, least stressful way to do everything.

5. I hate people telling me what to do. I am very defensive and actually physically change into a much scarier person if I am asked to perform a chore I do not want to do or questioned on any of my past behavior. I suppose this makes me pompous.

There is good list to get started. I am sure I have hundreds more depending on who you talk to, your dad, my parents, my sister, coworkers and maybe even strangers. Overall, I am happy with myself. I think I am good person, a good friend and I hope to be a good mother to you but I doubt I will ever be a “perfect” anything and neither will you. But that is ok; we can deal with our imperfections together.