Honest

{A letter for mama}

Wow. Having two kids is hard. Really hard. Like tears everyday hard (here they come again just writing that). I am filled with feelings of guilt (for not being able to spend as much time with Elle), extreme fatigue (oh yeah, newborns BARELY sleep at night, or at least mine doesn't all the sudden- did for a few nights there), sadness (life is different, and I am having trouble adjusting), love (I love my little Brynn very much, a new fresh love), anger (at waking up every two hours for the last two weeks) and happiness (that I have two beautiful little girls). And I have this annoying trauma hanging around from my birth and my horrible doctor.

It is so interesting that our brains seem to block bad things from us when it pertains to kids. I forgot the pain of Elle's birth until I was trying to crawl out of my own body to escape it with Brynn. I forgot that feeling of frustration when you spend an hour and half rocking a newborn to sleep for the sixth time with tears streaming down your cheeks only to have them pop awake 45 minutes later. I forgot the confusion of wondering what it is that will calm your baby and trying all of them. Wondering how the hell you did this before. Wondering why the hell you are doing it again!

But here is what I remember most about when Elle was small. Her warm weight snuggled on my chest. That tickly feeling when she tried to eat my neck while I burped her. Her tiny feet, hands and nose. All beautiful things. Sacred things. I vaguely remember the hard stuff my brain has pushed away. No need for those memories. And I know in a few months when I have a snuggle bug smiler who coos at her sister, this will all seem like a distant memory. And I won't remember very clearly the times in the middle of the night when I felt inadequate as a mother, a soother and caretaker. The times I longed for easier days. The times I felt angry at her.

I will remember the times that swaddle worked, she fell right asleep, her first 5 hour stretch, her first midnight smile. But I admit right now, as I am functioning on such little sleep, I feel like I am grasping at straws. Trying to solve this newborn puzzle, when in fact the only way to solve it is time. Her time. Not mine. So I must step back. When we are awake yet again in those early hours, realize I am holding in my arms the most precious gift, a healthy tiny baby who is mine. Dry my tears, drink a cup of tea and squeeze into the rocking chair for a long stretch of midnight snuggling.

Tick Tock

{Letter to Brynn}

You are 9 days old today and I cannot believe it. I makes me heart ache that time passes so quickly. You are a great sleeper and only wake up once a night to eat. I feed you and then we sit in the rocking chair and I rock you back to sleep while we listen to Ben Harper. There is this big clock in our kitchen and during the quiet moments of the day, I can hear the loud second hand clicking away. I am trying so hard to appreciate every moment. To not let this time slip between my fingers but is is like trying to catch sand. Life at our house cannot come to a halt. Your sister likes to keep things moving and so often I am whisked away from you on to the next activity. When ever I get the chance, we have chest napping and snuggle sessions. But how I wish there was a slow motion button on life.

The birth of Brynn Hadley

On Wednesday, I went in for my NST (non-stress test) because I was two days over due. During the test, they saw I was having contractions every 3 minutes (I could not feel them). I went down to have an ultrasound to check my fluid levels and Brynn fell asleep so she scored really low on the ultrasound part of the test. So I went back up to see the OB and she checked me and was surprised to find I was 4 centimeters already. She decided to check me into labor and delivery for monitoring.

While I waited for my husband, I just sat in the room all by myself for two hours. Since I was there for "monitoring" and they were really busy, I was put on the back burner, which was fine. I just watched some TV. As time went on, my contractions were stronger and getting painful. The nurses did not want to take me off "monitoring" and officially check me in because they were worried the on-call doc would be stressed about so many babies being born. That should have been my first clue that the on-call doc was not the best guy.

They finally checked me in and my husband, mom and dad arrived. They checked me around 3 and I was still a 5. So I asked for some IV pain meds just to take the edge off. They did not stop the pain but they helped me not really care about it. At about 4:45, those meds had worn off and I was still a 5, so they broke my water. Things went from 0-60. Contractions were really, really strong and painful and I asked about the epidural. She told me that by the time the epidural was put in, I might have a baby. She checked me again and I was already a 7. I was in the worst pain of my life and had my mom holding one hand and my husband holding the other, helping me breathe through.

At 5:15 the on-call doc came in and just stood in front of me with his arms crossed. I was already feeling the need to push and the nurses were trying to get my legs up. He was no help to them. I even said to him "help!". He said, "well, next time you feel the need to push, I will check you". So he did and I was 9. With the next contraction I bore down with all my might and out popped her head, two more pushes and she was born! She was perfect with dark black hair just like her sister.

The next part still makes me queasy. While Brynn was being checked, on-call doc began stitching. He gave me a couple shots of local but they did not do much. He would stitch then roughly shove this gauze around to "clean up". He kept telling me in a not nice way to "please relax my legs and scoot down and this would all go a lot faster". I hated him. He was so rude. My mom was holding my shoulders telling me to look into her eyes and think about Brynn. She saved me. When he was finally done, he just walked out of the room. I started to cry and said he was just horrible and the nurses said "yes, we are all walking on egg shells with him". What the hell kind of OB creates that environment? Everyone around me was encouraging and rallying to help me through the pain, and the person doing the actual work seemed totally disinterested. Natural childbirth is so, so hard and not feeling supported by him was such a frustrating feeling. Ugh. Luckily, one of the nurses complained about him and he later came into apologize. We also had two hospital administrators come in to talk to us as well.

But, she is here. And perfect. And we love her.

Last night she slept from 10-2:30 and 3-7. Yay!

A few of Brynn

Welcome Brynn Hadley :)

Introducing Brynn Hadley. Born 8/10/11 at 5:21pm. More pics and birth story to follow.