The train of time.

One. Somehow, here we are. And just writing that word, caused a tear to splash on the ALT key. It is not that I am sad that you are one, I am so proud and happy that we made it. But I feel like I am on this train and it is barreling through the weeks and months and I want to yell out, “PLEASE stop! Slow Down! We left my baby at the last stop.” And then I look down and see you standing there, all on your own, smiling at me with your tiny bottom teeth sticking out. I scoop you up and hold you close and you snuggle in- something you luckily still do- and I know I hold two extremely precious things. You of course. My first child, the one who has completely altered what loving someone means. And secondly, the memories we have created together.


We have had some hard ones, mostly happy ones, some scary ones. My favorites include you sleeping on my chest as a tiny newborn, your first non-gassy smile, those wonderful three months I got to spend every second with you while on maternity leave, the pride on your face as you first rolled over, sat and stood. The sad memories of me back at work, missing you like crazy and crying in the office basement until your dad saved me and gave me the option to spend much more time with you and calm my aching heart. The scary time you rolled right off the couch much to my surprise and when you launched backward in the tub and slid all the way under, sucking in water on your way down and I grabbed you out so fast and we both cried.


This next year will be filled with all new adventures, some scary, mostly happy, some sad. But I cannot help but feel a sense of mourning as we approach toddlerhood. Never again will you be a baby. You will never in your life be so dependent on me for everything you do. I will never get to hold your tiny little body in the crook of my arm, or time the rise and fall of my chest to yours as you sleep there.

So even though I want nothing more than to stop this train of time and keep you small forever, instead I will find a window seat and pull you into my lap. We will laugh and cry and fight feelings of frustration, but mostly we will snuggle in and watch the beauty that is our life roll by. I love you so very much my littlest love.

Winter

Here a few I mean't to post of you in the snow






Photo entered into the Paper Mama Challenge:


TA DA!!

Worry.

You got your first fever over Thanksgiving. It was actually the day after and we were staying in the city and you were increasingly fussy throughout the day. By early afternoon, you felt warm to me but we were at a hotel and did not have a thermometer. Everyone kept telling me you were just teething. But I knew.

So your Grandmom went to find a thermometer and you were 103 degrees. She had bought some medicine just in case and when we gave it to you, you seemed to feel much better. But you had this sad look on your face all weekend. At night, I barely slept because I kept getting up to check on you. The fever hung on for four days. On the third night, I woke up to check on you at 2am and I could feel the heat radiating off your little body before I even touched you. Your skin felt like fire. I almost started crying as you snuggled into my chest and let out a pitiful "Am...". I am right here baby I wanted to tell you.

I cooled you down and finally you fell back asleep.

I was talking to your dad about our lives as parents and he said the thing he hates the most is the worry. It is all consuming at times. You are our whole life and we love you more than we thought was possible. We just cannot imagine something happening to you. We will always worry about you. Even when you are 30 and hopefully starting a family of your own. At which point, you might understand these crazy letters.

Your fever is gone and you are back to your normal self. Seems your fever also prompted you to start sleeping in an extra hour this week, which has been nice early bear.

Here is the fever face:





{I have to add this watermark now because of creepy photo stealers. Stop stealing photos, creepers. That is all.}

Words.

You try to say so many words now. You say erio (cheerio), itt (kitten), og (dog), am (mom), dada (dada), ar (car).

You are so smart. Whenever I say a word, you try to imitate me. We are coming up on your first Thanksgiving and I looking forward to feeding you urky (Turkey?)

We needed a session

So I have started down the road of maybe, possibly taking photos in exchange for money (as in a photography business- not many people have them so you probably have never heard of such a concept..... ...... .......). Right now I am just practicing and doing it for no money but the good news is that I love the taking pictures of strangers part. I was worried I would not like it.

So far, I have shot one family, a one year old, a newborn and five more families. But that has mean't less photo time for me and you. Last night the sun was golden and streaming through the trees so I sweatered you up and we went to the park. I kept thinking everyone was staring at me when I was laying on my belly in the mud while you stared at a tree just for a picture but I am trying to just stop worrying about what other people think.

That has been a hard lesson for me, and maybe will be a hard one for you. I HATE telling anyone I am even thinking about starting a business because I am afraid they will say, "Oh, every mom gets a digital camera and starts a business. It is so annoying". And I then I get sad and question it. But I want to try it. I think I could be great at it. I still need lots more practice and I have you to thank for being my willing subject the last 10 months.

Dreaming is the easy part. Anyone can have dreams or hopes, it is actually getting out that and CHOOSING the life you have always wanted. Action is the hard part. And right now I want this. So I am gonna try it. But not officially until May 2011 because I am still a weanie, maybe just a sort of brave weanie.







This one is from Sunday:

A petite shark.

I have always been terrified of sharks. In college I was a member of sharkattack.com (I don't think that site is kept up anymore) and I would get updates and details on attacks all over the world. Why? I have no idea, I guess to avoid those particular oceans.

Your dad also finds sharks quite scary and we both refuse to put even one toe in the water (you should read about the attacks that just occur in just a foot of water). Ok, so basically with our obsession, there was nothing else you could be for Halloween, but the cutest little land shark.

To the City!

We had a fun Halloween in the City. I will post the Halloween photos tomorrow.

You and your Grandmom:


Swinging with Dad:


At the toy store:

A fun day.

Beautiful.

You are so beautiful. Sometimes it just takes my breath away. How did I get so lucky?



Ok so I showed this photo to your dad and he said, "she looks like a chubby boy." Hmmm....

22.

22. That is the number of days a month that you, me and your dad hang out pretty much all day. As I wrote to you before, I started a part time work schedule. I work from 6-10am Monday through Friday. I get up early everyday (the downside) and you and your dad hangout until I get home about about 10:15am. I love this because both your dad & I feel really fulfilled. He loves his morning with you, but when I get home, he is free to go the gym, work in the yard or we all just snuggle around in the living room playing on the floor. SInce I started this schedule, neither of us has felt burned out at all. When your dad's days to work come around (he works 48 hours with 96 hours off), I am ready for him to leave! I love him of course, but by then I am ready for some space. He gets time with the guys at work and I get mommy and me time with you. By the time your dad comes home is really missing you and cannot wait for some daddy and baby time.

I feel so lucky that this is our life. However, we have worked really hard to make things this way. When your dad was working as a resident firefighter making $500 month and I was scraping by starting out my own career, we would sometimes think it would be better if he just got a 9-5. But I remember him saying (even as a 19 year old) that he did not want his babies in daycare all day and he wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. We have been planning for this life for nearly 10 years. When we were 16 and 17, we were already planning. I know we are unique and most families do not get to spend so much time together but I hope you remember that your life is the sum total of your choices. I will work hard to help you make smart ones from the start.

Here you are with your papa. Who is absolutely crazy about you, by the way.

Two from tonight

Grey sky makes for beautiful eyes.

Needing me

You have always been a pretty independent baby. Even when you were small, you would rather snuggle on your boppy pillow than on my chest. Those times you would snuggle up on me though, pure joy.

For the past few months, you have been really independent. Wanting to try new things and always on the go. I was working full time and so we only saw each other for a few hours a day. I ached for you all day. I would call home and hear you saying "am!" (your name for me) in the background and it was like tiny spikes in my heart.

So your dad and I had a long talk and I started part-time at work. I work 6-10am Monday-Friday and feel like I have the perfect balance. You have become a lot more attached to me since this change. It feels so good to be needed by you. You reach for me, follow me all around the house and snuggle into my shoulder. I am so happy that I listened to my instincts. We both needed more of each other.

Tonight, you had a bit of trouble falling asleep. I found you standing at the side of your crib, crying into the dark. I kissed you on your soft hair and laid you back down. You grabbed my finger and popped your thumb into your mouth. I could barley see you, but your little eyes were beginning to droop. You would fall asleep and then wake up, your tiny hand searching for my finger. As soon as you found it, you drifted off again. When you were finally asleep, I stayed to watch you. It felt like the best kept secret. Listening to your peaceful breaths in the dark, knowing that all you needed tonight was your Am.



PS for readers: I found a good writing song. It is called And Then You by Greg Laswell. If anyone is looking for good inspiration.



Photo entered into the Paper Mama Challenge:

Weekend

Maybe the last sunny day for awhile...

The rain is starting to roll in but we had some pretty light the last couple of days.

It is not always easy.

You have always been a great sleeper. You started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks. However, every time you hit a milestone, your sleep is interrupted.

The latest thing you have learned how to do is stand up your crib. When I put you down for naps, you stand right up and hold onto the side and cry. At first, I was going in and helping you down but then I started getting really frustrated- for both of us. You were just waiting for me to come in. I was waiting for you to fall asleep. So I had to just leave you in there. You cry and cry, sometimes for 15 minutes but then you finally go to sleep. It has been really hard, I am not gonna lie. At night you wake up about every three hours doing this.

Just as your dad used to say when you were really small and would cry for hours for no reason, there are days I want to punt you off the front porch. (Ok, I would never punt you anywhere, but I think all mothers reach that breaking point). But then you wake up from your nap all smiles and laughs, everything is at is should be.

But man, my child. You are giving me a run for my money lately.