The train of time.

One. Somehow, here we are. And just writing that word, caused a tear to splash on the ALT key. It is not that I am sad that you are one, I am so proud and happy that we made it. But I feel like I am on this train and it is barreling through the weeks and months and I want to yell out, “PLEASE stop! Slow Down! We left my baby at the last stop.” And then I look down and see you standing there, all on your own, smiling at me with your tiny bottom teeth sticking out. I scoop you up and hold you close and you snuggle in- something you luckily still do- and I know I hold two extremely precious things. You of course. My first child, the one who has completely altered what loving someone means. And secondly, the memories we have created together.


We have had some hard ones, mostly happy ones, some scary ones. My favorites include you sleeping on my chest as a tiny newborn, your first non-gassy smile, those wonderful three months I got to spend every second with you while on maternity leave, the pride on your face as you first rolled over, sat and stood. The sad memories of me back at work, missing you like crazy and crying in the office basement until your dad saved me and gave me the option to spend much more time with you and calm my aching heart. The scary time you rolled right off the couch much to my surprise and when you launched backward in the tub and slid all the way under, sucking in water on your way down and I grabbed you out so fast and we both cried.


This next year will be filled with all new adventures, some scary, mostly happy, some sad. But I cannot help but feel a sense of mourning as we approach toddlerhood. Never again will you be a baby. You will never in your life be so dependent on me for everything you do. I will never get to hold your tiny little body in the crook of my arm, or time the rise and fall of my chest to yours as you sleep there.

So even though I want nothing more than to stop this train of time and keep you small forever, instead I will find a window seat and pull you into my lap. We will laugh and cry and fight feelings of frustration, but mostly we will snuggle in and watch the beauty that is our life roll by. I love you so very much my littlest love.