Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Young Love

{A letter to you both}

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I cannot believe that I am a mother of two. I feel like I look so young. And I still feel young.

I met your dad when I was 15. I still remember the first date we had. I remember all the days we spent longboarding through the warm summer air, swimming at the beach. Life was carefree. Handholding. First kisses (took him 3 months to kiss me). I remember the first time he told me he loved me. We traveled the world together. He is and has been my best friend for so long.

I know I am in a very rare group of people who married their first love. Neither of us has any exes (beyond those little 2 week relationships you have in middle school). I am 26 years old and I been with your dad for over 10 years. Sometimes I worry that my experience will make it difficult for me to relate with both of you as you start start dating. All I know is that when I was still a kid, I met a boy. And he was the only boy I ever needed. We grew up together. We never wanted anyone else.

I cannot imagine it any other way. I cannot imagine having a past with another man. But I know that is normal. I am the weird one. But in a way, I wish for both of you what I found. That you don't have to go through relationship after relationship looking for a man. That your hearts are not broken so many times.

But watching both of you on the floor today: B, you cooing at Elle as she drives her train on your belly, I know you hold each other through the things I just don't understand. I know your hearts will one day break. That I will find you on countless nights, one of you in tears in the dim light of your room. Just listening. Supporting. At least I hope I can raise you both that way.

I cannot believe that one day will have little boys in the house. Little boyfriends. It makes me laugh to think about it now. But they will come. Just like your dad sat at my family's dinner table, so excited he just got his drivers license. So here is to young love. I hope it is fun and magical and when it all falls apart, you are there for each other.

I just hope these little boyfriends do not ruin your father :)

Here he is with you Elle. (yes, he is quite a catch, hehe)

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


{A letter to both of you}

I keep having these scary dreams. They are all about the world ending. I am in this hotel. And Brynn, you are sleeping in a hotel room by yourself (something I would never let you do) and I am in another part of the hotel. Your Dad is with you Elle. I cannot find you guys. And I cannot remember what room I put you in Brynn. So I am running around the hotel which has about 100 floors, yelling and trying to find you. I know you are hungry. I know you are crying but I cannot hear you.

I look outside and it looks like a war zone. The buildings are all falling apart and this hotel appears to be a last refuge. The last safe place. Suddenly I am struck with this fear that Brynn, you are going to starve because I am out of formula. And there is no store, no place to buy it.

I am completely alone. I cannot find my family. Brynn, you are all alone. And even when I find you, I know I cannot feed you. I wake up in a sweat.

I know what prompted this. First I watched transformers (that is where the falling down buildings came from) but I also watched this excerpt from footage of Hurricane Katrina. There were all these people stuck at the convention center after the storm. They had no food. No transportation. Many of them had babies. And they had no food for their babies. For days. And that happened here in America.

I am so scared for the future sometimes. How will I protect both of you if something terrible happens? Something like a war or a disease outbreak or collapse of the government. I feel like this will happen in your lifetime. Something big and terrifying.

But there is nothing I can about it all. All we can do it spend our days well. And that is what we have been doing. Lots of playing, kisses, laughing (some crying) and snuggling. Brynn, you are such a trooper. Elle loves to "play" with you (as in shove things in your face) and you just coo. Elle, you are such a good big sister, always trying to kiss Brynn and you have to tell her goodnight every night. Life is good. And I hope it stays good for a long time.