Future

{A letter to both of you}

I keep having these scary dreams. They are all about the world ending. I am in this hotel. And Brynn, you are sleeping in a hotel room by yourself (something I would never let you do) and I am in another part of the hotel. Your Dad is with you Elle. I cannot find you guys. And I cannot remember what room I put you in Brynn. So I am running around the hotel which has about 100 floors, yelling and trying to find you. I know you are hungry. I know you are crying but I cannot hear you.

I look outside and it looks like a war zone. The buildings are all falling apart and this hotel appears to be a last refuge. The last safe place. Suddenly I am struck with this fear that Brynn, you are going to starve because I am out of formula. And there is no store, no place to buy it.

I am completely alone. I cannot find my family. Brynn, you are all alone. And even when I find you, I know I cannot feed you. I wake up in a sweat.

I know what prompted this. First I watched transformers (that is where the falling down buildings came from) but I also watched this excerpt from footage of Hurricane Katrina. There were all these people stuck at the convention center after the storm. They had no food. No transportation. Many of them had babies. And they had no food for their babies. For days. And that happened here in America.

I am so scared for the future sometimes. How will I protect both of you if something terrible happens? Something like a war or a disease outbreak or collapse of the government. I feel like this will happen in your lifetime. Something big and terrifying.

But there is nothing I can about it all. All we can do it spend our days well. And that is what we have been doing. Lots of playing, kisses, laughing (some crying) and snuggling. Brynn, you are such a trooper. Elle loves to "play" with you (as in shove things in your face) and you just coo. Elle, you are such a good big sister, always trying to kiss Brynn and you have to tell her goodnight every night. Life is good. And I hope it stays good for a long time.