How I became a desperate weirdo.

{A letter to you both}

I have talked before in these letters how I am still struggling a little bit in the friend department.

Since you were born Elle, I have been playing the "it will happen when" game. When you were small, it was "it will happen when we can go out and do more stuff" then "it will happen when she starts to talk and can actually play". Then when I had you Brynn, it was "it will happen when she can actually play" and now it is "maybe it will happen when they start school, play sports, become teenagers or maybe the only mom friends I will have will be when you are both adults and I find some women I can sit around with and cry because our kids grew up".

I have friends. I have great friends. But I have friends with barriers to friendship- the biggest one of those is distance. My friends are scattered across the country. Some so far away, I only see once a year. One who is so close but far enough away that seeing each other requires an hour drive and some organizing and of course gas money.

A few weeks ago, I saw this mom downtown with her son. She seemed normal and fun and we struck up a conversation but the children had needs that needed to be met and off we went our separate ways. This happened two more times, once at the park another time at the museum. Always short visits because of various circumstances. Two days ago, I saw her in the grocery store. I was awkwardly purchasing Miralax (of course) for my constipated toddler. Right there in the digestive aisle, we struck up another conversation and I suggest we exchange numbers and get together sometime. She seemed excited and gave me her number.  We parted ways and found ourselves face to face again in the Starbucks line. She goes there too! (what mom doesn't go there) More things in common! More laughs were exchanged! She is new in town too (as of April), all the way from Texas! Success!

I have this number issue where when I write numbers, I always transpose them- meaning if someone says 5 6 7 I will write 5 7 6. Always. When she gave me her number I tried to focus very hard so I would not mess them up. But I was not totally sure and I did not want to be like "let me read that back to you because my brain is actually 5 years old and I cannot work my fingers".

Several hours later, I sent a friendly text. And waited like a girl who just left a message for a first date she liked. Nothing. The next day nothing. I must have got the numbers wrong, I thought. So I came up with a wonderfully creepy idea. I would leave her a note at Starbucks with my number saying I accidentally wrote her number wrong. The baristas were very friendly about it (they all know me and my kid and also knew this mom and her kid). Today I stopped by and the barista asked if the mom contacted me. Nope. She had come in 30 minutes after I left the note and she never texted me.

I was a little crushed. I think I was holding the loneliness at bay knowing that a mom would come and save me from my sadness. And I totally thought that mom was her. My husband was working tonight so I felt this weight of alone settling around me. So I packed a picnic lunch and took the girls to the popular park. Not a soul was there on a beautiful Friday night. So we sat and played alone. And I pathetically wanted to cry.

Why is it so hard? Why did that mom not text? Did I creep her out with my note? Probably. But the thing is, if she had left a similar note for me I would have been so excited! It probably would become that silly "how did you guys become friends" story.

I have thought about if the internet has made this mom friend thing easier or harder. And I have settled on harder. It is torturous!  I will find someone's blog and think, omg they are just like me! And I bet our kids would play so great! And she lives in....Arizona. So I know she is out there (so many "shes") but I cannot ever really know her. If it is not that situation, it is that the cool mom already has a bff or maybe 5 and they all live near each other and their kids play and they vent about potty training and teething but also about being a woman, constant blog posts about their various adventures.

I feel like if I had to make a mom dating website profile it would say:

Younger mom of two girls seeks friend who has a great sense of humor, fun kids, adventurous spirit and a serious silly side.

Is that so hard to find? In the same town I live in? I really, really hope not.  I will keep looking.