The Bear

 It has been a while since I have written. 

We are living through a year for the history books here in 2020. Neither of you has been to school since March of this year (it is now December) and unless something changes, we plan to pull you both out and home school because the screen time is just too much. 

Elle, in this year, your sensitive heart has become overly worried about death. It is not hard to see why- every headline blast numbers of the many people who are dying every day of this virus. You have been coming out of your room at night when the thoughts creep in looking for reassurance. I showed you the research about how what you are going through is totally normal. Everything in your life up this point has felt in your control because of the way your brain develops, but now you are seeing that you do not have control. 

Last night, we decided to think of death as bear. The bear is there, all the time. If you look right at him, it will drive your body into your two fear responses: flight or fight. That is what is happening in your mind at night when you look at death in the face. Instead, you have to learn how to walk next to the bear for your whole life. Know he is there, allow him to push you to experience wonderful things and keep you from doing things that are too dangerous. 

We talked about an ideal death for you. We mapped it out. You are an old woman, in a small cabin with a full garden. You have faces around you of your children and grandchildren, they hold their many memories of you in their hands. The bear comes in the door and you look at him right in his face and he scoops you up and caries you on to whatever is next. The magical next is unknown. I told you that because you came from me, our souls are forever linked and that maybe you will come find me out in the other and we will come back to earth as cats.