33 Weeks. Kinda Done.

Today was our first summer day. And surprisingly, it was hot (75 degrees) and I got really sticky in a lot of annoying places. I wore kinda short shorts and a skimpy tanktop which is opposite normal pregnant me where I feel as though I should hide my puffy parts. But I am so sick of being pregnant that I just kinda wanted to throw those parts in everyone's face. Like what? You don't like my elephantiasis foot? Too bad, I even wore skimpy flip-flops.

Your sister and I just kinda bummed around town in the heat. I took her to some wading pools that she hated and we ate strawberries on the front porch. We blew bubbles and then she sat on you (in me) and you got all twisted up and angry and started punching my kidney with your fist so I put your sister to bed early since she was starting to get punchy too and I can only handle one tiny punching person at a time (lord help me in 7 weeks). You and I sat on the couch and you finally un-snuggled yourself off my diaphragm so I could actually breathe and it was then a nice little time. Till it was time for bed.

I have become fearful of sleep. Mostly because I cannot seem to remember how it is done. I just lie there and think about where you will sleep (we only have two bedrooms) and if your sister will stomp on you and try to feed you whole grapes and my mind just goes along with these thoughts like getting sleep is such a low priority for my body. And sleep comes hours later after I fling my huge belly from side to side in the bed 74 times before just moving to the couch.

Tonight while I was lotioning my belly in the mirror, admiring how weird it looks, I saw a strechmark on my side. I got through the pregnancy with your sister with no stretchmarks (except one on my knee from water retention) and I was hoping to do the same this time. But no. There it is with it's skinny red face sneering at me. So I huffed to bed and flung myself from side to side hating the "heat" of the bedroom. I went to the living room to grab a light blanket and tried to spy on the strechmark once more on my way back but my belly was now covered in lines and indents from the bed since I was thrashing around in there for an hour like an enormous beached whale.

And it just hit me then that everything is different. I am not pregnant with Elle. You and her will be different babies. It is a totally new journey and I need to stop comparing the both of you. A good lesson for your whole childhood I suppose. So I am just going to own this new strechmark and perhaps find even skimpier clothing that will show it off. (No. I won't do that.)

So, 7 weeks till I am 40 weeks. Please come out with a nametag as I have no idea what I am naming you. Thank you. I love you.

(please limit time on my diaphragm to 30 min a day so I can breathe. kisses.)

I have no pregnant picture since your dad is at work, but here is one of sis right before she got punchy and put to bed:

Blogging Baby Buddies

I know I wrote about the friends I have made through writing these letters to you before, but I have just grown to love some of them :) I think about 10 years down the line when you girls are growing up and getting older, playing with make up and talking about boys (yes, I do think I did that at 11 or 12) and I hope we are all still making fun of each other and sharing parenting tips. People where ask me where I met them and it sounds so weird saying "well, we all blog...." but it is true. We all just like writing to our kids and after reading eachother's words online, we now have gotten to see our kids become little friends. That is pretty cool.

{Readers: In these photos, you may recognize Harper from Harper's Happenings and Ruari from the Paper Mama.}

When I started writing these letters online, I had no aspirations around it. I will never advertise on it or try to make any money from it (not that there is any problem with that, I totally admire the success my fellow blogging moms have found, just not for this blog). I never thought anyone would care to read it. But finding these friends has been more valuable to me that anything that could have possibly happened.

So if you are ever feeling lonely like I was before I met these ladies, just reach out. You may be surprised by the wonderful people reaching back for you.

31 Weeks & a Nap.

A letter to the belly bean.

Today something amazing happened. Your sister woke up from her nap still sleepy and wandered over to the couch where you and I were resting and crawled onto my belly where she promptly fell asleep. She had a serious of weird dreams that caused much cooing and small squeaks. And you were kicking and kicking. She slept there for an hour and half and you moved around the whole time. I will admit, I kept having to slowly change positions because you already take up my entire stomach and your favorite resting place is my spine, making me feel like I am going to pass out. But it was the best connection I have had with both of you at the same time this entire pregnancy.

It is much different this time around as I just cannot focus on you in my belly as much as I could with Elle. So I look for quiet moments to connect with you. Like when I am driving and you are kicking, I will rest my hand on my belly to feel you. That is my biggest fear in suddenly becoming a mama to two babies. I want to make sure I have equal time and attention for both of you. It makes me nervous because I want to be the absolute best mama I can be. So 9 weeks until your arrival, it sure has flown by. I cannot wait to meet you bean!

Mama.

Photos {I feel like an absolutely massive cow but I promised myself to continue posting pictures of this pregnancy}

Obsessed with your cuteness...

I sometimes wonder if I am more obsessed with you than other moms are with their own kids. I am just so crazy over you. Here you are in your grandpa sweater.

{Elle Style: Pants: consignment, Shirt: Old Navy Sweater: Gap kids}




.

Pigtails.

No further text needed...

swoon.

Becoming mama.

When I was pregnant with you, I never really felt like a mom. I feel like a carrier of this impending baby, who would cry and need me but it was all very abstract. When you were born, my heart swelled with a totally different kind of love. Not like the way I love your dad or your grandparents. This love was fierce and new, the definition of devotion.

As that first day slid into evening, the nurse told me you needed to warm up. So she undressed you and placed you on my bare chest, so my warmth could seep into you. And never have I felt more content , as though all my life I was meant to one day carry the weight of you. And since that day, I have. The weight of worry. The weight of protecting you. The weight of loving you. But it does not bring me down, instead, the weight of you lifts me up. It makes me a better woman. A better wife. It has made me a mama and being your mama has been the greatest honor of my life.

{Elle style. Sweater: consignment ($3!), Jeans: consignment ($2.50!), shoes: old navy (gift)}

Friends

Friends will be a huge part of life. Being a girl, friends will be your biggest confidants and also one of your biggest sources of pain, jealous and heartache as you gain and lose them over the years. You have a few little friends now, but you mostly seem curious that they are as tall as you and confused by their loud noises.

The first friend I ever had in my life is still my friend today. She lives across the state but I still see her at least once a year. She is pregnant and due three days after me, with her first baby. A little girl. Perhaps we will count her on you and your sister’s friends list. You will make strong friendships in school and I hope you do a better job than I did of holding on to those friends. I let mine go. I met your dad when I was 16 and he filled the boyfriend and the best friend void. We were two peas in a pod and I put all other friendships on the back burner and most faded away.

After getting married and moving to a new town, I convinced myself I would find new friends. But I found it very hard to find anyone with anything in common with me or your dad. I remember one girl I met the dog park who seemed JUST like me and I was thisclose to giving her my phone number but was too scared of coming off like a creepy stalker. When I had you, I thought for sure other mothers would just coming running up to me at parks and playgrounds offering their friendships. Did not happen.

You were almost a year old before I found my first good mommy friend. And oddly enough, I met her online. Then over the last few months, more and more friends have been found online. Many through this blog. Some through online mommy meetup groups. Some of them I see weekly, others more sporadically. But today because I am a nerd, I made a little list of my new friends. And there were 6 of them! 6 friends I could call for a shoulder to lean on, a laugh, a cup of coffee or a parenting question. And although you fill my heart to the very brim, these friends have a place there too. A place that has been a lonely little box for a long time.

I wish the same for you, a heart full of love from friends, family and boys too (don’t tell your dad). As your mama, I will be there to help you see which friends are toxic (yes, there are those ones) and the gems that you will want to hold on to for life. They will hopefully be the ones who know you the best, make you laugh so hard you cry, know your hurts and your faults and help shape you into the woman you will one day become.

So here is a toast to my 6 new friends. Thanks for hanging out with this weirdo and her little lady (pictured below, looking quite friendly indeed).