Little Grey Eyes

{A letter to Elle}

Over the past year, your eyes have changed from blue to grey. They remind me of the ocean. Depending on the light or your mood, they change, just like you have changed so much over the past year.

This year started with me as a newly pregnant mama and you as a barely walking baby. The spring spouted a new belly for me and you running fast through the yard. The summer brought a tired me and an excited you. So excited to meet your little sister. We waited for her and I worried for you. That your life would change, our routine altered. Less snuggle time. More stress.

And then she came. Early August, our lives changed. I remember that morning you and I headed to my doctors appointment. As I pulled you from your carseat and perched you on my massive belly, your grey eyes looking into mine, I saw a little girl in you. A little girl where for so many months a baby had lived.

After Brynn was born, you found all your words at once. As if she pushed you to not just talking, but speaking full sentences & making jokes. You hovered around me, questioning my mothering. "Baby Bin needs a diaper mommy!" "Mommy, baby bin crying!". You fell for her so fast. Faster than I even could.

Fall saw you and your little Bin laying on blankets in the leaves. We left the house less and snuggled on the couch more. We watched your favorite shows and got to know this new little person. As winter came, we ventured out in the cold. The world, a whole new place for you. You have become an active participate, instead of unable spectator. I see now how the world is truly at your fingertips. Your grey ocean eyes watching, learning and taking it all in.

I am so excited to see what this year brings. I am still so proud of be your mom and proud of the person, daughter and sister you have become.

I love you little. Happy 2!

Christmas Tree Farm.

{A letter to you both}

So, your dad and I have never been to a u-cut Christmas tree farm and we thought it would be a fun knew tradition. That is fun thing about having a new, young family- new traditions to be made. It was a bit chaotic because we forgot about getting rope and we had a fussy Brynn with us who pooped halfway through. But it was a beautiful day and the tree farm is situated on 75 acres with a beautiful mountain view when you get to the top. Elle, you were SO excited the whole time- running all around yelling "Tristmas tees mommy!!!"

Poor.

{A letter to you both}

Welp. We are pretty poor right now. Don't worry, I am not going to whine about it. It is 100% our choice and I am loving it, despite things being tough. When your dad and I got married, we both had good jobs and with that combined income, we were doing really well. We had tons of disposable income and we put $1000 in savings every month. It was really nice. Very little stress.

Then you were born Elle and I fell totally in love with you. I went back to work full time when you were 3 months old. It was very hard and I hating missing things you were doing and missing you. When you were 9 months old, we sold a car so I could go part time (got rid of the car payment). That was a nice balance. I worked a tough shift - 6am-10am Mon through Fri. I was tired, but we did it.

Then came along the magical little Brynn. Your dad and I could not find anyone we trusted to watch the both of you. So, I gave my 2 weeks notice. I have mentioned before that your dad only works 8 days a month. He is a firefighter and makes a good living but it is nearly impossible these days to live on one income. But we are doing it. We have to really plan every expense. We are hardly saving a dime. I KNOW how bad that is- I was a financial counselor in my previous job. BUT I just cannot seem to give this life up.

We all spend more time together than any other family I know. A typical week: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs we are all home. We wake up, watch sesame street, make breakfast, snuggle on the couch. Then it is nap time. When you Elle wake up from your nap, we head out for our daily adventure. We go to a playplace, walk the mall, go to the park. Then it is dinner, baths and I go to the gym. When your dad goes to work for Fri & Sat, we usually have a playdate, see grandparents. Your dad is back home on Sun morning and it starts again.

I keep telling myself that because we are young, we have time to make it up. Time to make up the lost savings, the lost of sense of financial security. But we will never be able to get this time back. Someday soon, sooner than I want to imagine, you will both be in school and you won't think snuggling with your parents on the couch watching sesame street is cool at.all. And I will eventually go back to work and we will start saving and investing and not pinching pennies.

But that time is not now.

So I will embrace it. I will turn down invitations to eat out and I won't cry when I look at our bank account when we still have 5 days left of the month wondering how the heck we are going to make it. We always make it. We will try to do better every month. But there is no amount of money that would make me give this up right now. I am content and lucky and I know that.

A happy baby

Oh little Brynn. You are such a happy, sweet little person. All I have to do is walk in the room and you are all smiles. Your sister is going to spend the night with your grandma this weekend and I am so looking forward to having you to myself with no distractions. I am seriously running out of picture ideas with you so today I wrapped you up in my scarf! But it turned out pretty cute. Looks like you will have blue eyes like your sister (so random since your dad and I both have brown eyes).

You are going to be 3 months in two days. And I want to cry. Time moves almost devastatingly fast since I know how much you will change just in the next two weeks. You are doing much better with sleeping since I moved your bedtime up. You slept 10.5 hours on Sunday night (a bit of fluke), your usual is 8-9 hours, 15 min to eat, then 2-3 more hours.

Here is the scarf pic:

Pumpkin Patch

Young Love

{A letter to you both}

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I cannot believe that I am a mother of two. I feel like I look so young. And I still feel young.

I met your dad when I was 15. I still remember the first date we had. I remember all the days we spent longboarding through the warm summer air, swimming at the beach. Life was carefree. Handholding. First kisses (took him 3 months to kiss me). I remember the first time he told me he loved me. We traveled the world together. He is and has been my best friend for so long.

I know I am in a very rare group of people who married their first love. Neither of us has any exes (beyond those little 2 week relationships you have in middle school). I am 26 years old and I been with your dad for over 10 years. Sometimes I worry that my experience will make it difficult for me to relate with both of you as you start start dating. All I know is that when I was still a kid, I met a boy. And he was the only boy I ever needed. We grew up together. We never wanted anyone else.

I cannot imagine it any other way. I cannot imagine having a past with another man. But I know that is normal. I am the weird one. But in a way, I wish for both of you what I found. That you don't have to go through relationship after relationship looking for a man. That your hearts are not broken so many times.

But watching both of you on the floor today: B, you cooing at Elle as she drives her train on your belly, I know you hold each other through the things I just don't understand. I know your hearts will one day break. That I will find you on countless nights, one of you in tears in the dim light of your room. Just listening. Supporting. At least I hope I can raise you both that way.

I cannot believe that one day will have little boys in the house. Little boyfriends. It makes me laugh to think about it now. But they will come. Just like your dad sat at my family's dinner table, so excited he just got his drivers license. So here is to young love. I hope it is fun and magical and when it all falls apart, you are there for each other.

I just hope these little boyfriends do not ruin your father :)

Here he is with you Elle. (yes, he is quite a catch, hehe)

Future

{A letter to both of you}

I keep having these scary dreams. They are all about the world ending. I am in this hotel. And Brynn, you are sleeping in a hotel room by yourself (something I would never let you do) and I am in another part of the hotel. Your Dad is with you Elle. I cannot find you guys. And I cannot remember what room I put you in Brynn. So I am running around the hotel which has about 100 floors, yelling and trying to find you. I know you are hungry. I know you are crying but I cannot hear you.

I look outside and it looks like a war zone. The buildings are all falling apart and this hotel appears to be a last refuge. The last safe place. Suddenly I am struck with this fear that Brynn, you are going to starve because I am out of formula. And there is no store, no place to buy it.

I am completely alone. I cannot find my family. Brynn, you are all alone. And even when I find you, I know I cannot feed you. I wake up in a sweat.

I know what prompted this. First I watched transformers (that is where the falling down buildings came from) but I also watched this excerpt from footage of Hurricane Katrina. There were all these people stuck at the convention center after the storm. They had no food. No transportation. Many of them had babies. And they had no food for their babies. For days. And that happened here in America.

I am so scared for the future sometimes. How will I protect both of you if something terrible happens? Something like a war or a disease outbreak or collapse of the government. I feel like this will happen in your lifetime. Something big and terrifying.

But there is nothing I can about it all. All we can do it spend our days well. And that is what we have been doing. Lots of playing, kisses, laughing (some crying) and snuggling. Brynn, you are such a trooper. Elle loves to "play" with you (as in shove things in your face) and you just coo. Elle, you are such a good big sister, always trying to kiss Brynn and you have to tell her goodnight every night. Life is good. And I hope it stays good for a long time.